The Grief and Shame of 2020

2020 was a year for the books. I don’t think anyone could have predicted the extent of the damage from the pandemic and the political and social unrest.

In Pennsylvania, it began with a 2-week shutdown in mid-March, to flatten the curve. As a family, we prepared for a disruption through May, just to be on the cautious side, with the hopes of being pleasantly surprised if things went back to normal before then.

As it continued, students were not allowed to return to in person classes. Graduations and weddings were cancelled. Businesses were forced to adjust the way they ran their business, or close. Teachers (and parents) had to learn Zoom. The news was terrifying. Persons were hospitalized and unable to have loved ones by their side.

The list of changes and sacrifices goes on, and on, and on. And on.

Every single person in our country experienced loss in 2020. And then, social unrest and political polarization. On top of the mandated stay-at-home orders, we were disconnected physically, emotionally and mentally. Judgment, condemnation and disrespect were rampant. On all sides, all around, in many arenas.

Have we considered the ramifications on 2020 on our culture? On the health of our population?

People are experiencing loss and grief. They don’t have many places to share. When they do, they experience the challenge of comparing their grief and story to the story of others. Because others have stories. Everyone does. And many are hard. Denying the extent of your grief based on your perception of someone else’s grief is unhealthy. We tell ourselves, “Well, I don’t have it as bad as they do, so I should just be thankful/grateful/happy.”

When we deny ourselves the experience of acknowledging our loss, we deny the emotion. When we deny the emotion, we deny the ability to process our reality with compassion and understanding. “I should just be grateful. At least I still have a job. Why am I so ungrateful?” Susan David, PhD and author of Emotional Agility says that “Social comparison is one of the worst toxic psychological experiences we can have as a human being.”

So not only have we suppressed our emotions, we’ve invalidated the situation and are now beating ourselves up. Over and over and over again. Because in 2020, not only are we doing it in our personal lives, with our jobs, our kids and their education, we are doing it over politics. And social issues. Over masks and six feet. Again, and on and on and on. When we deny the process of grieving, we open the door to shame.

This will have a huge impact on our health, and mindset. Because in addition to the shame of the events of 2020, individually, shame is devastating. According to Brenè Brown, “When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. Full of shame or the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others. In fact, shame is related to violence, aggression, depression, addiction, eating disorders and bullying.”

Read that quote again. Perhaps we are already experiencing the ramifications of the grief and shame of 2020.

So what can we do? Again, Brenè Brown, author and shame researcher says “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs 3 ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”

Empathy, compassion, grace – let’s douse each other with these ingredients in 2021.