Category: shame

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Just a Spoonful of Sugar

Note: This blog is portions of a blog I wrote in 2014. It’s interesting to look back at my thoughts on grief and pain. My beliefs haven’t changed! But I sure do miss having Amy here to share the journey with.

I have a soft spot for girly movies. OK, you’re right, I am a girl! And while I also do love a movie that makes me laugh out loud, every once in a while I like to snuggle up with some tissues and a good tear-jerker!

Surprisingly, Saving Mr. Banks, Disney’s movie about the production of the movie Mary Poppins, turned out to be one of these tear-jerker’s for me. My motivation to watch the movie was my interest in learning more about Walt Disney himself, and I wasn’t expecting to become emotionally involved.

P.L. Travers is the author of Mary Poppins. As Walt Disney attempts to gain the movie rights to the book, you learn of the heart-wrenching loss and trauma Travers experienced as a child. Her father is a fun-loving alcoholic who has a hard time dealing with the real world, and eventually, he dies. This sends Travers’ mother, who already suffered from depression, into a suicidal state. Along the way, Travers’ saves her mother from a suicide attempt.

These experiences resonated with me personally. As a child I experienced the fall-out of my parents’ relationship, resulting in separation and divorce. Then my mom died of pancreatic cancer when I was 13. The similar portrayal of a parent suffering and the experience for the child brought back so many memories.

As an adult, I often reflect back on the grief and pain, and how its impact on my life has changed over the years. I find great comfort in my only sibling, my sister, as my companion in grief. Even though we are only 3 years apart in age, our memories and experiences are so different! I also feel a strong bond with other women who lost their moms at a young age. The loss of a loved one results in a myriad of other emotions tied to the loss – regret, guilt, anger, fear, sadness. They create a sense of loneliness that can only be shared and understood by others who have experienced the same pain.

How your family chooses to grieve loss depends on individual personalities and your family’s culture. Being open, honest, and vulnerable about your feelings can help alleviate the loneliness experienced during these times. Being with others who have experienced the same kind of feelings can also help. They can provide a safe environment for sharing, learning, and growing.

As Mary Poppins says, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down”, but you may need more than that. Please send me an email if there is a way I can be your grief advocate, offering support on your grief journey. You are not alone!

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The Grief and Shame of 2020


2020 was a year for the books. I don’t think anyone could have predicted the extent of the damage from the pandemic and the political and social unrest.

In Pennsylvania, it began with a 2-week shutdown in mid-March, to flatten the curve. As a family, we prepared for a disruption through May, just to be on the cautious side, with the hopes of being pleasantly surprised if things went back to normal before then.

As it continued, students were not allowed to return to in person classes. Graduations and weddings were cancelled. Businesses were forced to adjust the way they ran their business, or close. Teachers (and parents) had to learn Zoom. The news was terrifying. Persons were hospitalized and unable to have loved ones by their side.

The list of changes and sacrifices goes on, and on, and on. And on.

Every single person in our country experienced loss in 2020. And then, social unrest and political polarization. On top of the mandated stay-at-home orders, we were disconnected physically, emotionally and mentally. Judgment, condemnation and disrespect were rampant. On all sides, all around, in many arenas.

Have we considered the ramifications on 2020 on our culture? On the health of our population?

People are experiencing loss and grief. They don’t have many places to share. When they do, they experience the challenge of comparing their grief and story to the story of others. Because others have stories. Everyone does. And many are hard. Denying the extent of your grief based on your perception of someone else’s grief is unhealthy. We tell ourselves, “Well, I don’t have it as bad as they do, so I should just be thankful/grateful/happy.”

When we deny ourselves the experience of acknowledging our loss, we deny the emotion. When we deny the emotion, we deny the ability to process our reality with compassion and understanding. “I should just be grateful. At least I still have a job. Why am I so ungrateful?” Susan David, PhD and author of Emotional Agility says that “Social comparison is one of the worst toxic psychological experiences we can have as a human being.”

So not only have we suppressed our emotions, we’ve invalidated the situation and are now beating ourselves up. Over and over and over again. Because in 2020, not only are we doing it in our personal lives, with our jobs, our kids and their education, we are doing it over politics. And social issues. Over masks and six feet. Again, and on and on and on. When we deny the process of grieving, we open the door to shame.

This will have a huge impact on our health, and mindset. Because in addition to the shame of the events of 2020, individually, shame is devastating. According to Brenè Brown, “When we experience shame, we feel disconnected and desperate for worthiness. Full of shame or the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others. In fact, shame is related to violence, aggression, depression, addiction, eating disorders and bullying.”

Read that quote again. Perhaps we are already experiencing the ramifications of the grief and shame of 2020.

So what can we do? Again, Brenè Brown, author and shame researcher says “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs 3 ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”

Empathy, compassion, grace – let’s douse each other with these ingredients in 2021.