The problem with opening your heart is that you are then also open to hurt.
When we were little, our family was the typical family. Dad, Mom and 2 kids -sisters.
We played, ate, slept, worked – all normal activities.
We moved from New York to Maine when I was 2, and then to Illinois when I was 7. That was hard, but at 7, you adapt.
Then, dad left the next year. Where are you going? Florida? WITHOUT US?
The family unit was broken. Mom and Amy were mad at Dad. There were rumors. But I was 8. He was my dad. I loved him.
Our relationships changed. Mom confided in Amy too much. Amy was her daughter, not her friend. And it made Amy’s relationship with Dad strange. All he wanted to do was talk to her, but she was keeping him at a distance.
After 4 years, another break. Amy and I decided to go live with Dad in Key West. Who wouldn’t? We tried to change our minds at the last minute. Panic and fear set in. No luck, as plans were already made and school registrations were complete. Another move. I would start 7th grade in Key West.
In March, Mom was sick. To see what was going on they performed exploratory surgery. Pancreatic cancer. 6 months to live.
Mom died in June. A big, big break in the family. I was 13. Amy was 16. We were devastated.
Dad remarried and life went on.
In 2010, married and with 2 children, Amy was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Cancer? Again? Are you kidding me? Turns out, as a secondary cancer, pancreatic cancer is a hereditary cancer. Amy tests positive for the BRCA-2 gene. I do not have it.
In July of 2018, Dad died unexpectedly. They’d been out the day before, and Becky found him in the bathroom in the morning.
Now, it’s just Amy and I. Strange to technically be an orphan at 48.
Amy’s cancer spread aggressively. 2 brain surgeries, CyberKnife on her spine, chemo, lung extractions. After 2 weeks in ICU, she was sent home on hospice in December, 2019. We had an amazing Christmas together. I was with Amy when she took her last breath in the early morning of January 20, 2020.
Now, I’m alone. I’m broken. Love to give and nowhere to go. Why do I keep getting left behind?